Vulnerability 2.0... Shannon Thomas
October reflections on Vulnerability… 2 1/2 years ago several of our teachers participated in a project we called Vulnerable Shares: 10 Things About Me. Through the month of October we are going to revisit those lists, reflect on them and write a bit about how they have changed or evolved with the passage of time. Some of us feel exactly the same, some of us would write totally different lists, and all of us have different thoughts on the ideas we first shared. Follow along on Social media throughout the month as we revisit these lists, or join in the conversation by sharing on social media #owyintentions #owyvulnerability.
We will also be weaving the theme of vulnerability into many of our classes throughout the month of October as we feature the pose Sivasana (aka Corpse Pose). Stay tuned for more details.
Shannon originally published the first list, so we’ll be checking out her reflections first…
The original list is in regular text. Current commentary is in italics.
I love my kids (more than anything), but I sometimes hate parenting (more than anything) (Still True… It’s so hard.)
I have a temper and my anger often explodes out in the most humiliating ways. For example: I once broke our refrigerator in a tantrum. Worse than anger, I also (wrongly) believe that anger is bad and this self-judgement has been the justification for the most horrific self-vs-self psychological violence. (I still have an occasionally uncontrollable temper that explodes out in humiliating ways. What has changed is that I do not judge myself for it as I once did. I got involved with AL- Anon and because of that I have a much clearer picture of my trauma patterns related to growing up in an alcoholic home. I am thankful that I now have a better understanding about why these behaviors manifest and what to do about them when they do.)
My favorite thing about myself is that I have a gift for seeing the bird’s-eye-view in almost every situation that does not personally involve me. (Still mostly true, thought I place less faith in this ability. Thinking I know stuff can cause me to violate my own and other people’s boundaries, so I try to approach people and situations with more curiosity and less as Shannon-knows-best.)
Least favorite thing: My gift for seeing the bird’s-eye-view does not seem to show up in situations that personally involve me. I kind of feel like I got ripped-off. (Still partly true, but as I have reigned in my bird’s eye view of others I do feel like my own awareness of self grows and grows making my personal bird’s eye view more accurate.)
I’ve always struggled with commitment. My relationship with Brian is the first relationship I’ve had where I experience the feeling of a voluntary deep commitment. Open Way Yoga is the first work I’ve done where I’ve stayed more than 2 years. (Still true and still committed. I used to poo-poo the value of commitment, but the longer I stay with it, the more clear I become. Brian and my commitment to one another is like a container that holds our life together.)
Because I appeared on the show Naked & Afraid (my episode) men sometimes send me pictures of their naked parts... As if being a survivalist who took on a survival challenge naked is an invitation. It’s the shocking virtual equivalent of being flashed and it creates a whole host of uncomfortable feelings.. (This happens less and less and I’m glad. I am still shocked at the types of attention I received after appearing on N&A… virtual flashing is only the most obvious. One weird thing about being on TV is how you not are evaluated for who you actually are, but instead evaluated for how you physically and socially appear. It sounds obvious, but the manifestation of this in real life is a strange thing to experience. For this reason, I loved the survival experience part of being on N&A, but I did not love the TV part.)
I self-medicate. In a variety of chemical and non-chemical ways. I justify it by saying this is a hard world to live in, but I know the dynamics relate to avoidance and I do it anyway. (Still true, I understand more and this evolves, but it is still true.)
Sometimes I worry that my life experiences make me weird and un-relatable. For example: For a year and a half I lived in a hut built around a hole in the ground in the New Jersey Pine Barrens. I drank water from a spring and sometimes in the winter I had to break a layer of ice on the stream so that I could bathe. Another example: I majored in English with a concentration in The Creative Writing of Poetry. I write poetry as a way of seeing, interpreting and interacting with the world. Weird?... Maybe a little. Un-relatable?... I hope not. (Still true… but I worry about it less. The pandemic year forced a reckoning in so many of my relationships. The end result is more love, solidity and trust in the relationships that weathered the storm.)
I’ve been uncomfortable at the studio more than once when I’ve been caught listening to my personal playlists. I listen to all kinds of stuff, but in the past few years I transitioned from being strongly anti hip-hop into an avid fan of hip-hop and I’m not talking pop hip-hop here (though I like that too), I’m talking about the type that inspired the parent advisory labels in the record industry. I worry if people hear my music they will be shocked and judge me, I assume they are expecting to hear peace and love yoga lyrics instead of "XXX" by K. Lamar. (Still true.)
I have IBS with varied triggers - some physical, some psychological. I spend way more time in the bathroom than I’d like to. I often feel like I’m failing at health because none of the many of approaches I’ve tried have eliminated it. Please don’t send me ideas - It will only re-enforce my feelings of failure. (Not nearly as true… within a few months of publishing this list, I was surprised to find that increased laughter and overall joy lessens this problem for me significantly. I can eat many more things than I could when I first wrote this list. Thank goodness… And I cannot complain about a remedy that involves happiness!)
