I love all kinds of humor, especially raw and risque humor - this is one of many reasons I'm such a fan of Kara's. When Kara had been in teacher training long enough to feel comfortable, the rawness of her wit and intelligence started to shine out through the chinks in her armor. Behind Brian and my back she (and a few others) refer to themselves as Bad-Yogis, which cracks me right up. An unapologetic skeptic, Kara has always seen through the illusion that there is a perfection we can attain through our yoga. She embodies this truth vulnerably with her shares here.
We're all in the imperfect club with Kara whether we acknowledge it or not, and her honest owning of this makes it easier for everyone else to own too! Imperfect, flawed and breakable we show up for our lives and live anyway.
Thank you Kara for going this deep. I didn’t expect anything less... and you fully belong to our “thing” (see #8) if you want to call it that ;-) -Shannon
Kara, yoga on the wall with her daughter.
*I can't believe I'm doing this but...
Vulnerability: A Satirical, but Honest, Review of the Experiences That Make Me Feel Like I’d Rather Be Sitting in a Burning House With the Roof About to Cave in Than Actually Write This Shit.
1. This is like the 3rd draft of this writing. Every edition was too edited. Too not me. It's like my life was an explicit rap song, but I kept writing the edited version just for the radio - Even though most people like the explicit version of songs anyway. I just wanted these parts of me to be palatable for people despite my general attitude of not giving fucks about what other people think of me. That means....here we go: I care what people think of me. Ew.
2. I curse like a really drunk sailor. Interestingly enough, that's how I spent most of my 20's. Drunk that is. Not sailing. I actually hate large bodies of water and boats make me nauseous. I really do love cursing though. It's so expressive and just so darn cathartic. Try screaming fuck sometime: at the top of a mountain, in a pillow, or underwater. Also, if you are someone that doesn't like those words, I'd suggest not reading the rest of this.
3. Even though my career/hobby is a practice rooted in spirituality - religion and ultra-spirituality still make me uncomfortable. Let's all chuckle at how funny life is sometimes. It's hard for me to not see those concepts as inherently dangerous, but I have seen and felt the damage those tools do in the wrong hands. Not that that experience gives my statement credibility, the exact opposite maybe. My practice has helped me reestablish a place in me that I would call spiritual. My experience helps guide me as a teacher. For all that I am grateful, but still sometimes stuck in my own conundrum.
4. I've been my own personal fucking terrorist. Most of my life has been a self-inflicted horror story: drug/alcohol abuse, eating disorder, self harm, etc. Its like I've been on a control-based game show called, "No one can hurt me like I can hurt me." The worst part is I was the host, contestant, and audience. Truth is, the parts of my life that are the hardest to look at are because of the versions of myself I have to see and not the things that people have done to me.
5. I have anxiety. I've had it ever since I can remember. It still makes me feel weak. Like it's the vulnerable part of my armor or a big red target. People offer advice from the best places, but yes, I've tried running, counseling, logic, breathing, and benzodiazepines. I've smoked, drank, and tried to drown myself. It's just there, and that's ok. But, I can still have that and be confident, be happy, be powerful, and pursue all my dreams-- I just also have irrational fears, panic attacks, and a relatively constant hum of anxious energy. I wish people understood that. Like it's not this or that, its complex, strange, and I finally think it's beautiful.
6. Emotions aren't hard for me to feel just to Express. Some people in my life need to reread that. In fact, most people do.
7. My kid has dwarfism. I don’t tell many people that. I just don’t want that to precede her before she enters a room. It will sometimes, and that fucking hurts. I just know there are days that her physical and emotional pain will be out of my ability to fix. Right now she is happy, confident, and hilarious. I hope I am capable of teaching her that those things are internal and completely hers and no one is powerful enough to take them from her. Have I mentioned I also lack confidence in my mothering abilities?
8. I feel like I don’t fit into yoga land sometimes. It's all in my head. Part of it is the imaginary standard of what a yogi is and then this imaginary version of myself. Both of which are bull shit. Another Part of it is, I've never been much for groups of people. I'm rebellious by nature. Yet, still somewhere in there is this longing to like belong to a "thing."
9. Yoga ended up being this huge risk I took in life--teacher training an even bigger one. Teaching is a whole other set of risks. I wanted to be where I am, but never thought I'd be here. So much of my life, everything felt out of my reach, and now it feels like everything is completely in my grasp. It's terrifying and amazing.
10. Thank god, last one: I have no idea what I am doing. Not a clue. Although, I think any one who does is lying.
There it is. Parts of my insides. Enjoy! -Kara*
Kara in flying side plank.
Kara's OWY Teaching Schedule
4:00 - 5:00 PM Sculpt Yoga Norwalk